Satire: President Biden forgets words to National Anthem, summons Abraham Lincoln

By James Hutchison

Late in the evening of September 12th , a reporter with the AP news network was in a bathroom of the West Wing when President Biden accidentally summoned the decaying body of Abraham Lincoln into said bathroom while trying to remember the words to the national anthem.

Claudia Stipend, a reporter with the AP, recounts the event: “I was pretty surprised. I was taking care of my business when there was a cacophonous pop followed by a shrieking scream and suddenly a zombie in a top hat stood in front of me.”

It’s fairly well acknowledged that President Biden—being the oldest president in history, sometimes has significant issues remembering things. It’s even been suggested by other interested political parties that Biden may have dementia, or worse, early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. However, no other president to date has ever summoned a long-dead former president by accidentally saying words in the incorrect order.

“It took a few seconds for us both to stop screaming,” continues Stipend. “The Secret Service was hammering on the door within moments but President Lincoln was standing against the door so they couldn’t get in.”

Shockingly, further reports explain that it only took about ten minutes for the situation to calm down and for President Lincoln to compose himself.

“Well, you just never think you’re gonna meet Lincoln, ya know?” President Biden reportedly exclaimed.

Unfortunately, being a Civil War era zombie president accidentally summoned from an ancient grave has its downsides as Lincoln left much of his decaying remains in a trail around the White House as he was led on a guided tour.

When asked what the two presidents talked about before Lincoln inevitably dissolved into a puddle of bones and flesh, Stipend had this to say:

“He didn’t like the décor of the White House. Spent the entire time critiquing it.”